This is an idea proposed to me by Rick Broadfoot. All characters and names are legal property of Kevin Gillis and co. All rights reserved. At any rate (+/- 8%) ........................... A Pondside Production Produced by: Thames White Narrated by: some old man Directed by: Thames White With apologies to: Thames White for use of his name without permission Starring: a large group of animals Thinking..............................................ok. "Looking For Work: The Tale of an Unemployed Raccoon" (After thinking about it, I decieded to make this a two part story. I already knows how it ends, so I Figured that "what the hell, make it two parts, it'll be easier on the ol' brain" I can already smell something burning, and it ain't the house. gotta be the brain. -archthames) (By the way, this story takes place about 7 years after the series was cancelled. I have some characters talk that have never talked before, and some new characters that have lots of lines, but no name.) (It's a little slow, but as vince said after reading the preview, it's well written) =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= Part 1 "You mean you want to buy the Standard," said Ralph to Milton Midas. "Yes, I'll give you $100,000 for it, provided of course you give all rights to me, and no longer work there, " said Mr. Midas, smiling. "What! I will never sell it to you, unless I continue to be the editor," Ralph stated. "Ok, I can arrange that, or I give you $200,000 if you no longer are the editor," sneered Midas. "$250,000, and I'll tink about it," said Ralph. "Ok, $500,000 " said Midas. "Deal," said Ralph. They shake hands. (Paw to wing) "Let me write you a check," said Midas. He proceedes to write a check. "Here you go. Thanks," said Midas. "Thank You," said Ralph. Midas turns to Ralph and says, "I need you out by 4:00 pm. "But that's in an hour," Ralph blurted. "I don't care, just be out by 4," spat Midas. Ralph thought to himself 'How am I to get my stuff out by 4.' He calls home. "Honey, I just sold the Standard, don't yell in my ear. I sold it for $500,000. We've struck gold. Tell Bob and Mary for me. I'll be home in about an hour. Bye." (For background info, Ralph named his son loosely after Bert, and his daughter after the nursery rhyme, because he couldn't get it out of his head after her birth. -archthames)(I have a friend named Robert, and I call him Bert, because I also know at least 2 other Roberts)(One's Bobby, the other's Bob) Ralph looks in the closet and finds a large box. He proceedes to empty the contents of his desk into the box. When he finds his Editor of the Year Award, he sheds a single year. 'Ralph,' he thought, 'Why did you sell one of the most important things in your life.' After packing, Ralph calls The Blue Spruce Cafe to let Schaffer know that he is no longer the owner/editor. "Why did you sell it, Ralph," Schaffer asked. "I have been asking myself that very question all day Schaffer, and I haven't got a clue. It could be greed," said Ralph shaking his head. "Well, does Melissa know," inquired Schaffer. "Yes, I called her, and she is upset about it, but the $500,000 I received for it cheered her up," said Ralph. "$500,000!!!!!!," exclaimed Schaffer, "That's quite a bundle of money." "It is quite a bit, but Midas was adamant about buying the Standard," said Ralph. "Milton Midas, you mean," said Schaffer. "Yeah, I know he's a weasel, but he did offer a substantial amount, so I took it," said Ralph. "Do you need help moving your supplies," asked Schaffer, "I can be over in a jiffy if you do." "Yes, would you," said Ralph. "I'll be right there, bye," said Schaffer. "Bye," said Ralph. After about ten minutes, and after Ralph had placed his boxes outside, Schaffer walked up with a hand truck. "Hello, I brought a hand truck. I should be easier to move your belongings using this," said Schaffer. (Ok, time for some smart-ass remarks, I am starting to sound like a dictionary, or an English text book) (Blah, blah, blah. Yak, Yak, Yak. -archthames) "Well, we'd better start loading it, so we can take it to the Raccoondominium," said Ralph. "Ok, you push it for awhile whilst I steady it, then I'll push it for awhile whilst you steady it," said Schaffer. "Ok," said Ralph. Ralph and Schaffer load the truck, and Ralph begins to push it. About halfway to the 'dominium, Schaffer takes the load. When they arrive, Melissa meets Ralph at the door. "Where's the money?" said Melissa. "Here," said Ralph as he handed her the check. "$500,000 is a large sum of legal tender, what are we giong to do with it," asked Melissa. "I think we should invest it," said Ralph "Good idea, should we have Cedric invest it for us," saked Melissa. "No, I am sure I can do it by myself. I've seen Cedric at work," said Ralph. "Ok, if you think you know what you are doing," said Melissa. "Well, Schaffer, I'll see you tomorrow," said Ralph. "Ok, Ralph, Later," said Schaffer. Schaffer left for home. Ralph and Melissa sat on the sofa with their children and watched television. After a couple hours of TV, the went to bed. They had no idea that something bad was going to happen the next day. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= The next morning, Ralph and Melissa went to Sneer's Evergreen Bank to invest the check. They had left their children with Bert and Lisa while they were in town (so to speak). They walked in the bank and went straight for the Investment and Finance Department. "Hello, may I help you," asked the clerk-a raccoon himself. (note to myself, do not write while downloading from Napster) (download, damnit - 1:30:25 for a 2.8MEG MP3, fuck me)(sorry, to continue...) "Yes, my wife and I would like to invest this in a stock option," said Ralph, sounding professionally. "Ah, yes, well we'll see what we can do, oh, you need to endorse it," said the clerk. "No problem, do you need identification," asked Ralph as he signed his name on the back of the check. "Yes, may I see it," asked the clerk. "Yes, here you go," said Ralph pulling out his wallet and showing his driver's license.(Raccoons can drive??) Sadly the clerk said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll have to call Mr. Sneer for such a substantial amount of money. It will just be a jiff." The clerk walks into a seperate office where he dials Sneer's Mansion. "Mr. Sneer, sir, this is Sneer's Evergreen Bank, and there are two raccoons here who are wanting to invest $500,000," said the clerk nervously. "Yes, who are they," said Cyril. "A Mr. Ralph and Mrs. Melissa Raccoon," said the clerk. "Them! Where did they get that kind of money," exclaimed Cyril. "I don't know sir, should I ask them," the clerk inquired. "Who's name is on the checking account," interrigated Cyril. "A Mr. Milton Midas, sir," said the clerk. "Milton Midas, that weasel, I thought he was bankrupt," said Cyril. "Apparently not, sir," said the clerk. "Does he have sufficent funding for this check," said Cyril. "Let me look, sir," said the clerk typing like a madman on the computer. "Yes, the check is for $500,000, and he has $622,821.23 in his account," said the clerk. "Yes, do it, allow them to invest," said Cyril. "Ok, thank you, sir," said the clerk. The clerk walks out of the office, and looking at ease, he shambled over to where Ralph and Melissa were sitting. "Ok, good news, you have been cleared to invest the money," the clerk said. "Good, I would like to purchase 10,000 shares of Midas Inc stock," said Ralph while Melissa looked on with an astonished look on her face. "Ralph, we didn't discuss this..." Melissa started to say. "I know what I'm doing," said Ralph. "Ok, so that's 10,000 shares of Midas stock at $50 apiece, that's $500,000, exactly," the clerk said, mildly surprised. "Yes, that is correct," said Ralph. "Ok, I'll just input that into the database, there," said the clerk. Both Ralph and the clerk shake hands (paws, whatever),"I thank you," said Ralph. "My pleasure," said the clerk. Ralph and Melissa begin to walk home. Melissa was angry at Ralph for not discussing his plan with her, so she barely spoke to him the entire walk home. They arrived at Bert and Lisa's place, and greeted their children. "Mommy, Daddy, Uncle Bert and Aunt Lisa were letting us play baseball behind their house, and I caught a popfly, and sis fell and got a boo-boo, and Bert slipped and fell in the creek, and...," said Bob. "Mary got hurt," said Melissa with concern. "Yes, but it was just a little scrape, nothing to really worry about, Aunt Melissa," said Lisa. Melissa started to tend to her daughter's wound. "Hold on a second, slow down, so you had fun at Uncle Bert and Aunt Lisa's house," said Ralph smiling. "Yes, they did Ralphy-boy," said Bert, with a large grin on his face. "And Aunt Lisa was showing us how to play bas'etball, and Bwoo wouldn't stop chasing me, and...," "Broo was chasing you," Ralph asked. "Yes, he wanted to play tag, but I didn't want to, so he just chased me," sobbed Bob. "Hold on a sec," said Broo, "I just wanted someone to play with. I just love to play." "Ok, see Bob, Broo just wanted to play, he doesn't mean any harm," said Ralph. "But Bwoo is much bigger than I am," said Bob. "Bob, you've met Schaffer, right," said Ralph. "Yes," said Bob. "Schaffer is much, much bigger than I am, and I'm not afrain of him," said Ralph. "Besides, Broo is his little brother. I've known them both for years," said Ralph. "Ok, Daddy, hey, Bwoo, let's play tag," said Bob. Bob taps Broo on the shoulder, and says "tag, you're it." Broo starts to chase Bob all over the yard, while everyone watched and laughed. After approximately ten minutes of this game, both kids collapsed under a tree, panting. Ralph told Bob that they need to get home, and so the four of them left for the Raccoondominium. "Those are some good kids, " said Bert. "Yep," said Broo. "They sure are," said Lisa. After Ralph and Melissa arrived home, Melissa said to Ralph, "I know you think you know what you are doing, but for your sake, I hope you made the right decision." "I'm sure I did," said Ralph. They sat on the couch, and watched television. They flipped it to local news. "And in local news, ex-millionare Milton Midas has filed for backruptcy this afternoon. Sources say that he made a very bad investment, and drained his entire fortune," was what came from the TV. "Ralph, did you hear that, we lost everything, everything," sobbed Melissa. "I know, I heard it, so what do we do now," asked Ralph. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= Part 2 From part 1 of: Looking for Work: The Tale Of The Unemployed Raccoon They sat on the couch, and watched television. They flipped it to local news. "And in local news, ex-millionaire Milton Midas has filed for backruptcy this afternoon. Sources say that he made a very bad investment, and drained his entire fortune," was what came from the TV. "Ralph, did you hear that, we lost everything, everything," sobbed Melissa. "I know, I heard it, so what do we do now," asked Ralph. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= And now for an early (and only 1) smart ass remark: How about get milkfaced and hum like rabbits? =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= And now... the conclusion.......what's gonna happen hmmmmmmmmm? Thinking.....thinking...thinking......ok "Honey, it will be all right. We have been through worse," said Ralph in a soothing voice. "But, we lost everything! We have no job, no money! How are we going to take care of the bills," Melissa cried out. "Let us not let the kids know our predicament. They don't need to know how badly off we are," Ralph stated. "Ok," sobbed Melissa. They decieded to go to bed, being that it was around 11pm. Ralph lay in bed, not able to sleep. Hes was thinking, 'what in the world was I thinking. I didn't need the money. I shouldn't have sold The Standard, or, at least, I should have invested the money better. Ralph, you sure made a mess of things this time.' Melissa, on the other hand, slept like a log. She had taken two Nytol because she thought she would not sleep. She believed that she would stay awake and worry all night. Bert slept. He was tired after playing with Ralph's kids most of the day. The next day, the sun took Ralph by surprise. He thought, 'I did't sleep much last night?' He looked over to Melissa's side of the bed, and she had already woken up and was downstairs cooking breakfast. He went downstairs, and sat at the kitchen table. "Did you sleep," Ralph said to Melissa. "Like a log. I took Nytol," Melissa replied. "Well, what's for breakfast, hon," said Ralph. "Silver dollar pancakes, DEAR," said Melissa. "Rub it in, why don't you," said Ralph. "Sorry, I'm still a little aggitated about yesterday," Melissa apologized. "I understand, but please, don't rub it in," Ralph murmured. "What," said Melissa. "Nothing," said Ralph. They began to eat breakfast, talking about what they are going to do that day. Someone knocked on the door. Bob jumped up from the table, and answered the door. "Uncle Bert! Aunt Lisa! Bwoo!" he said. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= I'm gonna break in right now and explain a few things. Lisa and Bert got married. Ralph is Bert's brother by the reason of: Friends that have known each other, and grew up since childhood, are as close as brothers/sisters. Anyway, Ralph loosely named his son after Bert (as I explained in part1) He told his son and daughter to call him (Bert, not Ralph) "Uncle Bert." He is Ralph's honorary brother. Since Bert got married, they call his wife "Aunt Lisa" even though she's their cousin. (Sounds like Arkansas. Don't get mad about the Arkansas crack, I live there. -archthames) I call Broo "Bwoo" because it's a 6 or 7 (haven't decieded) year old kid saying it. Kids don't talk proper English for awhile. Later Y'all -archthames. I also wanted to make broo speak. I did in "Behind the Forest" but that was diferent. Oooh, lost my train of thought..I got it. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted............... "Hi Bob, you doing ok," said Bert. "Yes Uncle Bert, wanna eat," said Bob. "You got anything with peanut butter," said Bert with a smile. "You will never change, will you Bert," Ralph said. "Should I eat on the floor, or at the table," Broo said. "Eat at the table, Broo. You're not a little puppy anymore," said Melissa. "Hey, I found a jar of peanut butter, can I have it," said Bert. "Nope, you will never change, Bert. Yeah, take it. We don't eat as much peanut butter as you do," Ralph chuckled. "Of course I will never change, Ralph. Bert Raccoon, Peanut Butter Nut," Bert exclaimed. They all sit at the table, and continue eating. Bert falls out of his chair twice, mumbling something about slick chairs. Lisa was quiet throughout the meal. Broo put his plate on the floor, and began to eat off the floor. "Broo, come on, eat at the table," Ralph said. "I like it this way," said Broo. "Want me to have Schaffer come over and spoon feed you," Ralph quipped. "Oh, could you," Broo said sarcastically. They continued their meal. After everyone finished, Bert said, "I'm starting a new job at Sneer Industries, wish me luck." (Note to myself, don't write at 12:36 AM in the morning. You miss quite a few of keys) "Good Luck, Bert. What's the job," asked Melissa. "Oh, just typing, and other secretarial jobs," said Lisa. "Hey, it pays decent. $8.50 an hour," said Bert. "That's not bad, any benefits," asked Melissa. "Just a couple, Health and Dental insurance" said Bert. "Yep, with you being accident-prone, you need them," said Ralph. "I'm not accide-," said Bert as he fell out of the chair again. "You were saying," said Ralph. "What did you do, wax the chairs," asked Bert. "Yeah, I had nothing better to do since we sold the Standard, and lost the money, Bert," said Ralph. "You did? Why," asked Bert. (Another note to myself: Please don't write so late at night, you can't even think straight) "I've been asking myself that question for a couple of days now, and even I don't know the answer," Ralph stated. "That's too bad, Ralph. Anything I can do for you," Bert said. "Well, see if you can get me a job," Ralph said as he reached into a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "Ralph, you're not gonna drink this early, are you," asked Melissa. "Well, I just wanna have a couple of shots, and that's all," said Ralph. "But it's too early for booze, Ralph," said Melissa. "Don't worry, I'll take it easy on the sauce," said Ralph. He poured some in a juice glass, and proceeded to knock it back. "Ahh," he said. "That should be enough," said Melissa. Ralph grabbed the bottle, and started to drink like it was going out of style. After he finished it, he sat down, and had a look of worry on his face.'Ralph,' he thought to himself, 'you really didn't need that, did you.' "You drank that entire fifth, Ralph," asked Melissa with a look of surprise. "Yeah, and I don't know why," said Ralph. "It was probably the stress of loosing everything," said Melissa. He grabbed another bottle, and downed it also. After the third bottle was empty, he looked at Melissa, and said, "Get me another woman." She said," get it yourself, Ralph." Ralph slaps Melissa across the face,(Bitch-slaps her) and says, "You do what your man wants, Bitch." Bert tries to restrain Ralph, while Lisa comforted Melissa. Melissa and Ralph's kids were in shock. Bert knew Ralph had had too much to drink, and was tring to calm him. "Ralph," he said, "You've had too much to drink. Sit down, and relax." Everybody sits down, and no one says anything. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= Ya know, I am doing way too much dialogue. It seems more like a play than a regular story - arch =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= Anyway..... Ralph started swaying back and forth looking somewhat ill. Bert got up from the table, and asked him what's wrong. Ralph fell out of his chair, and passed out. When he came too, He was in a hospital bed. He wondered, 'what in the world happened?' "Ralph, you're awake. Thank God you didn't die on us," said Bert. Doctor Canard walks in and says, "You had a bad case of alchohol poisioning. I've never seen that much alchohol in a person before. I'm surprised you were alive." Ralph said, "How long was I out, doc." Doc. Canard said, "Three days." "Three DAYS, oh my God," Ralph exclaimed. "Yeah, we couldn't believe it either. Of course you drank lots of whiskey," said Bert. "How much," asked Ralph. "We lost count after the third bottle," said Lisa. "Don't you remember anything about that day," asked Melissa. "Not really," said Ralph. "You don't remember slapping me and calling me a 'bitch'," said Melissa. "No, I would never do that," said Ralph. "Yes, you did, " said Melissa, Bert, and Lisa in unison. "I did that, whoa, I really must have been out of my skull," said Ralph. "Are you alwight, Daddy," said Mary. "Yes, sweetie, I am," said Ralph trying to get up. "You shouldn't be getting up, your body is still recovering from the poisioning," said Dr. Canard. "Ok," said Ralph laying back down. "Well, we're going to go back to the house. Lots to do today," said Bert. "Ok. Are you going home, Melissa," asked Ralph. "No, I want to be with you, honey," said Melissa. Bert, lisa, Bob, and Mary left the hospital. Melissa snhggled up to her husband, and said, "I hope you never drink again." "I won't. We'll get rid of the booze when I get out of this place," said Ralph. Ralph thought to himself, 'I can't believe I Bitch-slapped Melissa, what was I thinking.' Melissa sat in the visitor's chair, and fell asleep. Ralph fell asleep. dreaming about the day before. As the night wore on, ralph began having nightmares of Melissa leaving him, and taking the children. He tossed and turned all night. The next day, The Doctor released him from the hospital. He went home and emptied all the liqour into the sink, and ran water. Melissa said, "That all?" Ralph checked all nooks and crannies. He found no more booze. He apologized to Melissa for slapping her, and stated that he would find a job pretty soon. He called around, and discovered that Sneer Industries was hiring for Public Relations. He called Mr. Sneer at home. "Cyril Sneer speaking," said Cyril. "Mr. Sneer, this is Ralph Raccoon calling about the P.R. job. I was hoping you could hire me," said Ralph, trying not to plead. "Ralph! Why should I hire you? You raccoons have been the bain of my exsistance' said Cyril forcefully. "Well, I sold the Standard, badly invested the money, and now I can't even support my family. I also know quite a bit about you, Cyril, and I would be good for PR. I am well known and respected in the forest. People believe what I say about you. I won't lie to you Cryil: we might not like each other, or agree on much, but I am the best candidate for the job," Ralph boldly said. "Well, I do need a good person to get suc-, I mean buyers for my products, and I've seen your work before. You have been a pain for a few years now, but I do agree that you are the best candiadte for the job," said Cyril. "You're Hired." "You won't regret this Mr. Sneer, I will do my best. By the way, what are my hours and wages," said Ralph. "You will work for $7 an hour, and I expect to see you tomorrow at 9am sharp," said Cyril. "Great," said Ralph. Ralph told Melissa, and they both dance for joy. "I'm so proud of you, but you're working for Cyril. You know we don't like him," said Melissa. "I know, but he was the only game in town," said Ralph. "Well, at least you got a job. I need to get a darkroom," said Melissa. "What about Bert's old room? I'm sure he won't mind," said Ralph. "Yeah, I could use his room. After all, He no longer lives here," said Melissa. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= No, the kids don't use Bert's room. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= The next day, Ralph shows up at the Sneer Mansion, He rings the doorbell, and is greeted by one of the pigs. Floyd escorts him to Cyril's office, and leaves in a hurry. "Ralph, your desk is right over there. Now, get me some customers," said Cyril, pointing. "Can do, Mr. Sneer. Or should I call you 'Boss', " said Ralph. "Just get me some customers," said Cyril. "Yes, 'Boss'," said Ralph. Ralph ends up getting Cyril more customers than he can handle. cyril makes more money with Ralph as a PR than he could with a pig as PR. He gave Ralph multiple raises and bonuses. He started to like and respect the raccoon because of his people skills. Ralph eventually starts the Standard again, but as Cyril's newsletter. He began to respect Cyril more because Cyril would never give up. He watched Cyril have three heart-attacks in two years, and respected that, even though Cyril was a slimeball, he sure could make a comeback. =-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------= You ever try to do a fanfic that you could barely get ideas for? This 'fic took forever because I kept changing the ending, and I kept altering the plotlines. I know this 'fic was a bit slow, but as I said I was trying to do a serious fic for once. By the way, I do requests, but I don't do lemons. If you have any requests, e-mail me at: archthames@yahoo.com My personal website is: http://www.geocities.com/archthmes/index.html My other page is messed up, I screwed something up on it, and it doesn't load properly. I'm gonna end this with a quote from the game "Lunar: Silver Star Story' on Playstation. (I like the original on Sega CD better) "Whishing on a dream that seems far off, Hoping it will come today. Into the starlight night, Foolish dreamers turn their gaze, Waiting on a shooting star. But, what if that star is not to come? Will their dreams fade to nothing? When the horizion darkens most, We all need to believe there is hope. Is an angel watching closely over me? Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see? I know my heart should guide me, but, There's a hole within my soul. What will fill this emptiness inside of me? Am I to be satisfied without knowing? I wish, then, for a chance to see, Now all I need, <------(Whispered) Is my star to come......" -Questions and comments? e-mail me at: archthames@yahoo.com Special thanks to Ron Broadfoot, he gave me the idea for the fic